Edit: I thought I had published this, but apparently it stayed in Draft. Oh well.
I met a long-time friend last week, driving all the way to
the airport early in the morning so that I could catch up with her for two
hours. She was in town, in transit for an article's job in a magazine.
I don't have many friends, and I have less the older I get
because most time, I'd rather be alone than hanging out with those with
different frequencies. But those who remain are the ones I would make a good
effort with to share time and vice versa. She has been my friend for 28 years.
We stayed in the same university hostel but kept in touch after we graduated
and moved on with our lives. (My concept of keeping in touch is something along
the lines of some WhatsApp messages every once in a while, mostly weeks or
months, but every time we catch up, we click as if no time was lost.
Around perhaps seven years ago, we met in similar
circumstances when she dropped by in town. But unlike our usual light chatters,
she shared about things that terrified me. She tried to talk about it casually,
but the horror was real to me. Her husband had raised his hand at her during
the presence of her kid, and worse, chased after her when she left her house,
caught up, and broke the car's window, but fortunately, she managed to reach
her parents' neighbourhood, and the noise attracted a lot of people. All for
unfounded jealousy about work and career (they met in the same company). I
didn't know then that her household situation was that bad. She got married
much later in life. I had met her husband once, who seemed like a nice person,
and their stories were beautiful and unique.
I tried to be there for her, but I implied my stance that
she should get out. Everything she told me was a red flag, and I can't imagine
sharing a home with someone that you don't feel safe to be with. From a
financial point of view, she was the breadwinner, so she really didn't have
reasons to stay. She was working on infrequent projects because she tried to
de-escalate some jealousy about the provider's status in her home while she
could actually hold a high-paying job. Not only did he pull her back and didn't
really contribute to the household, he threatened her and their child and
physically attacked her. But after agreeing (strongly) with my take, she went
quiet, and when we were in touch again, she said they were trying to patch up
things instead of separating.
I was not in her shoes. Some people stayed, arguably, for
the sake of the child; some had their reasons, and it's very common out there
that DA usually involves a partner who changes their behaviour after incidents
with sorry and promises. Changes, unforeseeable future, and perceived stigma
can be terrifying. It's extremely hard that I couldn't do much. We stay far
away, so I can only make myself available any time she needs me. She hardly
wants to touch on the subject again, but every time she does, I try to be
supportive and never judgmental, which, honestly, is not easy, but I don't want
to push her away. From what I know, they are doing okay. He didn't go to that
level again, but their relationship was broken; they were merely two adults
staying together with a kid, and she was still almost the sole breadwinner.
I would never think that this could happen to her. She is
strong, smart, independent, and someone with very strong principles about
people she wants to hang out with. If she didn't tell me, I would never know.
People could struggle without showing it; desperations could be hidden behind
smiles. Picture-perfect and happy lives can hide a lot of things we don't know.
And these stories are way too common. They shouldn't.
It's Halloween, everyone. I don't celebrate it, but some of
you do. I hope the horror in your lives is only something along with the spooky
costumes and decorations. Please seek help and support if you need to. And
please take care.
